


being in prison gives you a lot of time to think

by U_U_00000



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Administrator Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Feels, Clay | Dream-centric (Video Blogging RPF), Diary/Journal, Duck Hybrid Alexis | Quackity, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Emotional Manipulation, Enderman Hybrid Ranboo (Video Blogging RPF), Fox Hybrid Floris | Fundy, Goat Hybrid Toby Smith | Tubbo, Hearing Voices, Heavy Angst, Hurt Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), Hurt No Comfort, Hybrid Floris | Fundy, Hybrid Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Hybrid Technoblade (Video Blogging RPF), Hybrid TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Hybrid Wilbur Soot, Long-Haired Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), Memory Loss, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Multi, POV First Person, POV Third Person, Piglin Hybrid Technoblade (Video Blogging RPF), Prisoner Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), References to Depression, Sad Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), Sad Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Sad Technoblade (Video Blogging RPF), Sad TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Schizophrenia, Self-Destruction, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Triggers, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Wilbur Soot and Technoblade and TommyInnit are Siblings, hybrid tags lmao, i hate myself so much-, maybe comfort later but who knows, minecraft mechanics and shit, now that's a lot of just, shitstorm of a fucking story i swear to god, very slow updates lmao
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-15 06:48:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29060040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/U_U_00000/pseuds/U_U_00000
Summary: For a long time, I thought I'd been doing this for the best for the SMP, for the server, for everyone... and it turned out, it actually worked. I brought everyone together- united- for the first time in a year. However, at the sacrifice of myself and my own happiness, to allow everyone else to slay the villain and stay united together under the fear of Dream, me, the admin, of one day escaping the inescapable prison I've been placed in.I'm really starting to regret making that decision. Tommy said he'd visit today, but he hasn't arrived yet. I wonder what's taking him so long.I wonder how George and Sapnap are doing... I hope they're happy.- Dream,January 24th, day 5 of imprisonment
Relationships: Clay | Dream & Floris | Fundy, Clay | Dream & GeorgeNotFound & Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream & GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream & Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream & Ranboo (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream & Sam | Awesamdude, Clay | Dream & Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream & Technoblade & Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream & Technoblade (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream & Toby Smith | Tubbo, Clay | Dream & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream & Wilbur Soot
Comments: 32
Kudos: 666





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: SELF HARM

"Dream, who do you miss the most?" His eyes widened slightly behind his mask. Dream looked down, avoiding eye contact with Tommy.

"I think it's about time you left, Tommy." Dream turned away from the teen, looking at the dark, obsidian walls. Tommy spluttered to object, gripping Dream's shoulder to twist him around. He flinched away from the younger, glaring at him with spite. "You've overstayed your visit, Tommy. Leave me. _Now_!" Dream raised his voice sternly, leaning away from Tommy, who was too close for comfort. Tommy sighed, stepping away from Dream slowly.

"If that's what you want, Dream. I'll come to visit you again soon." He glanced back at Tommy, a hopeful glimmer in his eyes.

"Actually? You'll come to visit me? When?" Tommy nodded, a mocking grin plastered on his face.

"I'll come by in three days." He pulled out his communicator, typing rapidly. "I'll be going now, Dream." He watched as the lava slowly drained- _so close, yet unreachable_ \- and Sam was stood just across the lava, already pressing the correct buttons and pulling the levers with precision and speed, ready to escort Tommy out of the prison. He couldn't help but _yearn_ for the blue sky, the green grass, the soft breeze running its airy fingers through his hair. He knows he hasn't been in the prison long, but he was used to always being on the move, always being outdoors. He wasn't used to the insufferable way the obsidian walls seemed to suffocate him, towering over him yet squeezing against him tightly.

Dream turned around as the sound of the pistons stopped, hearing the faint shouts of Tommy going on about the prison mechanics in amazement, Sam stoic to his constant cursing. Unconsciously, he reached out with his hand, peering at Tommy and Sam's backs through his fingers. He pulled back with a yelp, jumping away from the quickly descending lava, nursing his burnt fingertips. He blew gently, hissing in pain every time the cool air met his smouldering skin. Dream groaned in pain, going over to his cauldron to dip his fingers in the lukewarm water. He sighed as steam rose into the air, brushing against his face, accompanied by the disgusting smell of burnt flesh, making Dream scrunch up his nose.

Dream wiped his hands against his ripped hoodie, bits of it singed black from the lava when he would get too close, including a large part of his right sleeve after he showed Tommy how he could swim in the lava. He was able to grit through the pain silently, having tried not to show Tommy how painful it really felt. He couldn't bandage his fingers, he wasn't supplied with any medical supplies. He winced as some of the burnt skin got caught on some of the loose fabric, groaning again as he reached for his book and quill. He flipped through the pages, landing on the nearest empty page. He dipped the quill in ink, and he began to write.

> _'Today, Tommy visited me. I showed him where I would respawn if I was killed or tried to swim in lava, then he told me everybody hates me. I understand that they would heavily dislike me, but I can't help but feel a little hurt. I caused all this, but I can't help but feel wronged. I shouldn't be feeling this, especially after what I did to everyone, to Tommy- but they should understand I did this for them, to unite them, as to help them become one single nation in the server. That's all I wanted for this server, to be one family._

> _Other than that, Tommy also mocked me. He has the right to, but I wish he would be more sensitive about it. I truly am really sorry for what I did to him, but he didn't believe me when I apologised. That's expected, but I was still hoping he would forgive me for what I did._

> _On the bright side, Tommy said he would visit me again! In three days, if I heard him right. I've been lonely with no social contact, so this is a nice change. He didn't really care that Sam only feeds me potatoes._

> _Tommy assigned me "homework" to do as well. The topics are pretty fucking stupid, but I should do them to make him happy. Although, I don't think I'll be able to write ten pages for each book. Maybe if I just fill in the pages with really big writing he'll let it go. He probably would, he seems like a kid with really big handwriting._

> _Recently, I've been thinking about Sapnap and George. I've been wondering whether or not they'd visit me. George usually isn't around much in general, but Sapnap is pretty active recently, with my imprisonment and all. He might've left on another expedition again, but maybe he'll make some time to visit me...? He probably hates me, given the way he was extremely aggressive putting me the prison. He didn't even say a single word to me._

> _I miss them, Sapnap and George. I really want to see them. I miss them._
> 
> _I wonder what they're doing these days._

> _\- Dream_
> 
> _January 21st, day 2 of imprisonment'_

* * *

Dream sighed as he lied down on the ground, staring up at the glowstone as it softly glowed, his mask lying beside him. He traced random shapes into the floor, his left hand dipped into his little water respawn point. His burns had healed somewhat- without getting infected, thankfully- just leaving his fingers numb with no feeling whatsoever. The only thing he would feel in his fingers occasionally was a sharp, piercing pain every time the welts would get caught on the fabric of his hoodie and press against the edges of the book's pages.

Nobody had come to visit him today. Honestly, he didn't even think Sam was in the prison at the moment. Well, he didn't need to be, but Dream found the thought that there was someone still nearby quite comforting in his times of horrible loneliness. Dream sighed again, boredom gnawing at his mind relentlessly, his stomach grumbling alongside the restlessness growing in his limbs. Dream sat up, reaching for the plate of potatoes that Sam had left that morning. He bit into the raw vegetable, scrunching up his nose and furrowing his brow at the awful taste. He could attempt to bake the potatoes with the lava somehow, but Dream was never very good at cooking, so he'd probably just end up burning the potatoes and having nothing left to eat for the rest of the day. Sam didn't like having to see him more than once a day.

Dream ate two more potatoes, then returned to lay down after the hunger subsided. He could write in his journal, but there wasn't much he could actually write about except the never-ending boredom and listlessness that continued to gnaw at his mind. He craned his head backwards to look at the clock framed on the wall. He pressed the ball of his palms into his face, groaning in frustration. It was barely noon, yet it felt as though ten hours had gone by.

"I should've made this prison more entertaining." Dream mumbled to himself, rolling over onto his side, propping his head upon his arm. He closed his eyes as he listened to the lava bubble and churn, focusing on the random bursts of heat every time a bubble would pop. He rolled over onto his back, eyes still closed, with his arms and legs stretched out. He opened his eyes to be met with the scorching brightness of the sun. How did he get outside? Dream used his hand to shade his eyes, sitting up to take in his surroundings.

All he could see were rolling hills of green, flowers of every colour splattered across the endless expanse of grass. He could see the top of dark oak trees dancing across the horizon in the distance, very, _very_ far from where he sat, underneath a large oak tree. He stood up, completely in awe, taking cautious steps towards the tree. Dream held his breath as his fingers brushed against the bark gently, feeling so _real_ underneath his sensitive touch- so _familiar_ \- he hadn't taken the time to take an afternoon nap underneath the shade of a tree in a while. He can't remember the last time he let himself relax. He began to feel giddy with excitement, so delighted at being outside he didn't even take the time to question _how_ he had gotten out of the self-proclaimed, inescapable prison.

Dream kneeled down, gripping the grass tightly between his fingers. He took off his gloves, trying to get full contact with the cool grass, the warm rays of sunshine poking through the green canopy warming his back in a complimentary way.

"This is _so_ fucking amazing." Dream sounded as though he had just gotten the breath knocked out of him. He was speechless- _just how?_ \- the grass felt so real, the bark, the perfect way the sun would shine down onto his face- it _had_ to be real, it just had to. It'd be a real _sick_ fucking joke if this was just all fake.

"Whelp. _Fuck it_." Dream sprinted down the hill, a grin plastered onto his face. He hadn't felt this _free_ \- _carefree_ \- in a while. He hadn't felt much of _anything_ in a while if he really thought hard about it. _God_ , did he miss the fresh air.

Then _shit hit the fan_.

Dream opened up his mouth to let out a scream of agony, but lava filled his mouth, flowing down his throat, burning him from both the inside _and_ the outside. He flailed desperately, trying to swim his way out, however, it was futile. He could hear himself- _oh god_ \- sizzling, melting, being burned to ashes. He couldn't see anything anymore, his eyes were already melted, gone with the lava.

It felt _excruciatingly_ slow, the way he was burning- _fuck_ , it hurt so _much_ \- how the fuck did he end up in lava? He was just outside, in beautiful fields, free from any pain, worries, regrets-

_Dream tried to swim in lava_.

He was going fucking crazy because he was _back inside_.

* * *

It was the same as yesterday. Sheer boredom. Dream had concluded that, based on the facts of the lava incident beforehand, he had been hallucinating. It was barely the fourth day of imprisonment, and he was already going insane.

"I'm _so_ fucked." Dream groaned, sitting up against the wall opposite the wall of lava. He glared at the bright orange liquid flame, cursing his fucked up head. He hugged his legs against his chest, burying his face into his knees.

He was weak- _so_ fucking _weak_ \- and _so_ goddamn lonely. Sam hadn't even looked at him when he dropped off his daily meal of raw potatoes- he looked lost in thought- even though he would usually, _at least_ , give him a cold look. Dream just wanted to be _seen_. He was already halfway to insane, he didn't need his crippling loneliness to help him go even _further_ into insanity.

"How did Tommy do this?" Dream sighed, trying to keep his bottom lip from trembling too much. He shouldn't cry, he's not some kind of weak bitch, he could handle a little alone time. If some kid could do it, so could he.

Dream couldn't hold back his sobs, and he scrambled to muffle his cries into the ragged sleeves of his hoodie. He was such a fucking crybaby- _just_ four days of imprisonment and he was already crying like some kind of pussy. People were intimidated by him, _feared_ him, respected him, and here he was, bawling his eyes out like a wimp. He was one of the most skilled fighters in the SMP, the _admin_ goddamn it, and he can't even handle feeling a little lonely. He let out a scream, bitterness swirling in the pit of his stomach.

Dream wanted anyone to hear his screams, to come running, to come to _see_ him- worried, annoyed, angry? He didn't care- he wanted to see the lava drain, see the piston operated bridge, see _someone_ on the other side.

He just wanted someone to _know_ , to _care_. He _needed_ someone to care.

_Why didn't anybody care?_

( ** _TRIGGER WARNING: SELF H@RM_** )

Dream bit at the newly healed skin on his fingers, biting tiny bits of flesh off. The pain helped push away the aching in his chest. He tasted the familiar copper as he continued to bite into his fingers, desperate for some kind, _any_ kind of _relief_.

Blood dripped down his hands, soaking his gloves and the hem of his sleeves. Some droplets dripped down onto his ripped up jeans, pattering onto slivers of his skin. The pain was dulling, and the aching was growing. Dream stared down at his fingers, watching the blood ooze from his wounds. He clenched his hands into fists, hissing at the burning sting. He should probably wash his hands, in case he gets an infection.

He dipped his hands gingerly into the cauldron, cursing profusely as his wounds met the water. Dream watched, mesmerized by the way crimson red swirled in contrast with deep blue. He held his hands underneath the water for a little while longer, then removed them, ripping a part of his hood to wrap around his hands. He was a fast healer, his fingers would _mostly_ be all fixed up.

Dream sat back down against the wall, his hands lying limply by his side. Tears fell down his cheeks as he closed his eyes, unable to keep them open any longer.

"I'm so fucking pathetic."

* * *


	2. chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dream dives a little deeper, and he tries a little less, but he knows he'll always come back to the same damned place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: SELF H@RM AND EDs

Dream had never been this excited before since he blew up L'manburg with Technoblade. Tommy was going to visit him again today, and he was feeling absolutely _tortured_ by the way the handle of his clock slowly ticked for each minute of the day, testing his _very_ short patience. He didn't know exactly when Tommy was going to arrive- he hoped soon- and time just seemed to move ten times as slowly than yesterday and the day before that.

Dream paced his cell impatiently, biting the free edge of his thumbnail until it reached the nail plate. He proceeded to bite the scarred flesh that had _just_ healed overnight- he needed to do _something_ with his time- already used to the coppery taste of the blood flowing into his mouth. The smell of blood permeated his nose, overwhelming his senses suddenly- _god_ , it smelled like shit- and he snapped away from his own hands. Blood had already dried brown on his hoodie, blending in with his gloves, getting stained crimson again from the fresh blood dripping down his fingers rapidly.

He cringed at the brown stains that were left on his sleeves, the once lime colour completely lost behind the dried blood. Dream could _not_ get over the smell- you'd think with how many times he's killed everyone he'd be used to the smell- it was just plain _putrid_ , especially with there being no air vent or filter of any kind. He was stuck with the disgusting smell, just swirling around in the closed-off space of his cell.

"Dream, what the hell are you doing?" He had been so fixated on the smell and his own disgusting appearance, he didn't notice the lava slowly draining. Dream turned around, hiding his hands behind his back, giving Sam a guilty smile. He placed the plate of potatoes on the ground gently, towering over Dream intimidatingly.

"I was just checking up on the nails, you know? Got to keep up appearances if Tommy's gonna visit, right?" Sam looked down at him, utterly unconvinced.

"Show me your hands. I'm only asking once, so please show me them." Dream gulped audibly- which is fucking _stupid_ \- reluctantly revealing his hands to Sam, his palms facing upwards. He looked away, gnawing at his lip nervously.

Sam held his hands in his own, gently examining his fingers. "What the hell did you do to your fingers? No matter how much you hate being here, you shouldn't hurt yourself," He spoke sharply with a stern tone. His words cracked like a whip in Dream's head. "Because I won't let you out either way. Even if you were to break your own legs and rip out your own eyes, I wouldn't let you out of this cell." Dream flinched away from Sam, yanking his hands out of his grip.

"I needed to do something to pass the time, asshole, not to fish for pity I _don't_ fucking _need_." Sam glowered down at Dream through his gas mask. His shadow stretched out over Dream, giving his eyes an unnerving glare.

"Well then, you obviously don't need medical help then." Sam backed away from Dream, tossing a roll of bandages at his feet. "Bandage your own hands, if you don't want my _pity_ that badly." Dream held his hands close to his chest, staring at Sam's retreating figure. The taller turned around once he made it safely to the other side of the lava pit, making brief eye contact with Dream. He shook his head, then pulled a lever. Lava began to cascade down to cut off Dream's line of sight again- this _goddamn_ lava- he kneeled down to pick up the roll of bandages left on the floor in front of his feet- he doesn't need Sam's fucking _pity_ \- gritting his teeth as he looked down at the bandages spitefully.

"Shut the _fuck_ up!" Dream shouted, chucking the cotton into the wall of lava. Particles immediately burst from the lava, the bandages having instantly burned. Dream let out a scream of anger, gripping his hair tightly, yanking at the strands until his scalp was _burning_ from the constant stimulation. In a fit of rage, Dream searching through his chest, grabbing the five journals that Tommy had "assigned" him to write. He threw them into the lava as well- _fuck_ Tommy and his _stupid_ fucking "homework"- he coughed as ashes flew into the air, accidentally inhaling it.

Dream panted as he tried to get control over his temper, trying his best to calm down and think _rationally_ \- he let out another scream as the clock ticked annoyingly loud in the silence, ripping it from its frame. He slammed the clock into the ground, stomping on it as it continued to tick persistently.

"Shitty fucking clock, never shutting the _fuck_ up!" The ticking finally stopped after one final stomp. Dream sighed- at long last- the silence soothing his hyperactive mind. Then he heard it- fucking _ticking_ \- again, and when he looked down, he could _swear_ that damned clock was grinning up at him viciously, mocking him with its continuous, endless ticking.

He let out a gasp, then picked up the clock, holding it at arms length. Dream could hear his heart thumping in his chest, reverberating throughout his entire body, his heart constantly pulsating in his head. He needed to get rid of it.

"I don't need Tommy, I don't need Sam, I don't need this clock- _nothing_. I don't need anything they give me, I don't need their fucking pity!" Dream began to laugh maniacally, his vision spiralling in loops. He took stumbling steps towards the wall of lava, unable to keep his balance. A deranged grin plastered itself on his face as he tripped over his own feet, falling face-first into the lava- Dream opened his arms, as though he was receiving a hug from the magma- searing pain shooting through his nerves as he made contact. His eyes widened as he realized what he had just done, mouth opening to release a scream of distress and agony. Instead, he inhaled the liquid fire, and his body began to spasm as the pain reached unbearable levels.

Why had he done that? Tommy would be extremely angry after finding out he had burned the books, and Sam would be displeased with Dream when he has to replace his clock- or he just might leave him with no clock, unable to tell whether it was day or night, not knowing what day it was, leaving him tortured by the disease that is _time_ \- why did he do that?

It hurts _so_ goddamn much every time, no matter how many times he's died to lava.

_Dream tried to swim in lava_.

* * *

Dream opened his eyes slowly, groaning in discomfort. He had fallen asleep in his respawn pool, his neck bent sharply on the edge of the obsidian flooring. He sat up, his entire body aching, massaging his neck gently. He instinctively looked up for his clock to check the time, but of course, his clock had burned with him. It was rather nerve-wracking, not knowing what time it was, how long had he been out- _Tommy_ , did he come to visit yet?- Dream shot up out of the small pool of water, his pants and hoodie completely soaked, practically ashes from how charred his clothing was.

The respawn had healed his hands, still heavily scarred from his biting escapades, so he could at least look somewhat presentable for Tommy. Dream's stomach grumbled loudly, interrupting his hectic train of thought. He looked up around his cell, only seeing one potato, disgustingly covered in a brown substance, which suspiciously looked a lot like dried blood. He must've knocked the rest of the potatoes into the lava when he was getting high off of adrenaline.

Dream sighed and struggled to untangle his knotted hair. "I can go without food for a day, that's fine, I've starved for longer." He muttered quietly to himself, breathing evenly to ignore the growing hunger. He's gone nearly half a month without food before, he knew he could handle one day without meals- he reckoned the potatoes didn't fill his stomach properly either way. Dream stretched out his arms, his joints letting out a satisfying pop and crack, exhaling through his nose in satisfaction.

"I probably slept for a couple of hours," He looked down at his fingers. "Yup, more wrinkly than Sapnap's dick." Dream chuckled bitterly at his own, horrible joke- he missed Sapnap- sitting back down next to his respawn pool. He was tired- of what? He didn't know exactly- and he just wanted to close his eyes and go back to dreaming of better days, back when the SMP was just him and his close friends. 

"What're you doing, laying down so _pathetically_ , you piece of shit." Dream looked up at the familiar voice, confused as to why he didn't notice the lava draining. His eyes widened in shock, his mouth falling open. Sapnap stood in front of him, giving him an icy stare.

"Sapnap? Did you come to visit me? Did you bring Tommy?" He looked down on Dream, scowling at him. Sapnap kneeled down to his eye level, making direct eye contact with him.

"You're asking about Tommy instead of me and George?" Dream flinched, casting his eyes down towards the ground. Sapnap took heavy steps towards him, grabbing his chin in a vice-like grip, forcing Dream to look up at him. He refused to look at Sapnap's face, closing his eyes shut.

Dream looked back at Sapnap suddenly, his eyes becoming glassy from developing tears. "No I didn't- It's just that Tommy- he just visited-" Sapnap made a clicking noise with his tongue, pushing Dream's face away from himself.

"Tommy visits you once and you forget about me and George? You're a fucking asshole, Dream. This is why we _hate_ you." Sapnap spat with venom, backing away from Dream's reaching hands. He fell forward onto his hands and knees, tears dripping down his cheeks, scraping his palms lightly. He desperately crawled towards Sapnap, grabbing onto his ankles and feet desperately. He let out a sob, babbling incoherently, trying to explain himself to his former best friend.

"You deserve this. You deserve everything's that's happened to you." Sapnap kicked away Dream's hands, stepping on his left hand as hard as possible. Dream let out a cry of pain, trying to tug his hand out from underneath Sapnap's boot. "Don't act like the victim. Know your place- you _belong_ here. You brought this upon yourself, you son of a bitch." He pressed his heel sharply into Dream's knuckles, making a sickening crunch, then he kicked him directly in the chin, throwing him back against the wall. Sapnap chuckled as Dream let out a sob of agony, cradling his hand against his chest gently.

"I'm- I'm sorry, _please_ \- my hand, Sapnap, _my hand_ \- it _hurts_!" Dream sobbed under the constant torment, and he tried to back away from Sapnap, unable to because of the small containment of his cell.

"The all-powerful admin, _cowering_ from just a broken hand. You're such a pathetic man, I don't know how we even became friends." He hissed, turning around to leave. "You're not even worth _half_ my time."

Dream reached out towards Sapnap, squealing in pain from flexing his fingers in the wrong way. "Don't leave me- it _hurts_ \- please, Sapnap, it hurts so much!" He watched in horror as Sapnap walked through the wall of lava, a cruel grin on his face as Dream watched him slowly burn, his flesh and muscles melting from his bones, burning to ash.

He completely shut down, his entire body going limp. Dream couldn't understand- he was just there- how could Sapnap be here if he never got permission from Sam? How did Sapnap break his hand if he was never really _there_ in the first place? He started to tremble uncontrollably, squeezing his eyes shut, trying to ignore the pain that continued to throb constantly throughout his entire arm.

"... Write this down- I need to write this down." Dream scrambled to stand up, taking great care to not use his left hand to pick himself up. He flipped through his book sitting on his lectern, using his elbow to hold down the cover.

> _'Sapnap visited me today- or he didn't? I don't know anymore, he just showed randomly and he broke my hand... my goddamn hand. He told me George and him hates me, that I'm pathetic and should know my place. I'm not the victim. What does that even mean? I still don't understand how Sapnap wasn't here, and somehow he still broke my hand. My hand is in fucking pain, and somehow I hallucinated that he broke my hand._
> 
> _Tommy didn't even visit today. I think I was passed out the whole day, and if he did visit, wouldn't he wake me up? Why didn't he visit me? Did I do something wrong last time? What did I do? I really think my hand is broken, somehow, it hurts a lot more than a hallucination should. What the fuck is wrong with me?_
> 
> _I really do deserve to be here, don't I? Even though what I did was- it was the best for the SMP._
> 
> _Actually, for a long time, I thought I'd been doing this for the best for the SMP, for the server, for everyone... and it turned out, it actually worked- if you ignore the fact some of us lost a lot along the way- I brought everyone together- united- for the first time in a year. However, at the sacrifice of myself and my own happiness, to allow everyone else to slay the villain and stay united together under the fear of Dream, me, the admin, of one day escaping the inescapable prison I've been placed in._
> 
> _I_ _'m really starting to regret making that decision._
> 
> _I should've just left everything as it was- at least everyone would've been happy- at peace- without Wilbur dying, without Tommy and Tubbo and suffering, without pushing everyone away from me. I could've been happy with everyone if I just let it be. If I just didn't fight as the villain, if I just fought as a hero beside everyone else- maybe everything would've been better._
> 
> _Everything is my fault, it all happened because of me. I never should've made this goddamn SMP. Now I'm stuck in prison because of my own actions, because I'm such a fucking failure who can't solve anything properly. I should've just continued doing manhunts with George and Sapnap- I would've been happier like that, anyway._
> 
> _I deserve everything, don't I Sapnap?_
> 
> :)
> 
> \- _Dream_
> 
> _January 24th, day 5 of imprisonment_

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not to brag but i am a very fast typer of 82 wpm 🥵😩  
> if only i could put this talent to actual use instead of procrastinating all my essays 👁👅👁


	3. chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> playιng: V A S - jagger finn
> 
> 1:35 ──────ㅇ───────── 3:47
> 
> ↺ |◁ II ▷| ♡
> 
> ᴠᴏʟᴜᴍᴇ : ▮▮▮▮▮▮▯▯▯

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: SELF H@RM ED

Dream didn't know what to do with himself anymore. He couldn't differentiate between what was real and what was fake, relying on the feeling of fire dancing along his skin to assure himself- _he is real_. What else could he do to ensure his own fucking _sanity_?

He lay still, watching as the condensation from the humidity of the lava and unventilated cell created droplets along his obsidian walls, dripping down at fast speeds and creating small puddles on the floor. With how much water seemed to collect on the walls and on his glowstone lamp it wouldn't be a big surprise if the obsidian turned into _crying_ obsidian, would really represent how he's feeling _constantly_.

Dream sighed as he pulled at his ragged hoodie, the threads barely keeping it together. He couldn't tell whether he was sweating or if it was from sleeping in the puddles all over the floor of his fucking cell. It was almost _stupid_ how much he hated the feeling of the wet fabric sticking to his back and arms, and almost _stupid_ that he thought sitting in his respawn pool would help with the shitty humidity. He was left just feeling like an overused cumrag that hadn't been cleaned in three months. The amount of heat trapped in Dream's cell was almost surreal and eating at his fucking mind.

He groaned. The heat is really testing his temper.

He was bored beyond his wit's end with absolutely _nothing_ to do. He lightly tapped his head against the floor, rambling on to himself to fill the silence. He couldn't understand how the fuck Sam expected him to stay sane in this fucking hellhole. Dream sat up suddenly at the slight noise of pistons moving- it's been so long since he's heard anything _except_ for the constant sound of sizzling and his own voice he _couldn't_ get the sound wrong. He wasn't expecting any visitors except Tommy, and he obviously didn't want to see him very much. Didn't everyone hate him outside? Who the hell wanted to see him- much less _talk_ to him?

Dream watched as the lava slowly drained, excitement bubbling _just_ underneath his skin, revealing-

His barely contained smile fell instantly. It was Sam. It was just Sam. Of course, nobody wants to visit him, they all hate him, how could he even let himself think otherwise? He was so _goddamn_ stupid.

Sam quirked his eyebrow upwards, looking almost offended by Dream's disappointment. "Thought you would be happy to see me. Guess not." He placed the plate of potatoes down on Dream's lectern, quickly stepping back towards the entrance of his cell, his nose scrunched up from the smell. "I've finally installed a dispenser into your cell, so I won't be coming by anymore. I'm _sure_ you're happy about that though." Dream refused to speak, turning his back to the warden. He bit his lip harshly as Sam scoffed, listening as he stepped back onto the bridge- how he got back to the other side? He didn't know, and he really didn't give a fuck how. The pistons got back to work, moving the stone back to the other side. Dream refused to look back until the lava had once again cascaded down to cut him off from the world.

He screamed. He screamed and screamed and _screamed_. He screamed for Sam to come back- he didn't mean to ignore him, he already missed him _dearly_ \- he promised to be good as long as Sam continued to come back to see him. All he needed was to feel his presence, he didn't even need to hold a proper conversation with him.

Dream just needed to know someone was thinking of him. If Sam doesn't need to come back anymore he'll stop thinking of him- he _needs_ someone to think of him, and Sam is the _only_ person who even gets reminded of his existence. He looked around his cell frantically, looking for something that could get Sam's attention. He burned his books, so no. He burned his clock and Sam wouldn't give him a replacement, so no. He could punch out the only source of light in his cell- besides the lava- but Sam probably wouldn't care. His eyes slowly scanned every corner of his cell, scouring every damp fucking inch.

His eyes halted on the plate of potatoes. A wonderful idea blossomed in his mind. He would pat himself on the back for his intelligence, but he always has moments of unrivalled intelligence like this.

Dream grabbed the plate of potatoes off his lectern, a cynical smile on his face as he approached the wall of lava that sealed him inside with the constant humidity. He laughed as he tossed the potatoes one by one into the lava, listening as they sizzled briefly before becoming one with the magma. He whooped as he tossed the entire plate and the rest of the potatoes, coughing as the smoke particles imploded into his face. He rubbed his chest for a few seconds, trying to soothe his soot-filled lungs.

"Note to self," Dream let out another wheezing cough, "Don't throw in too many potatoes at once unless you want asthma." He dusted off his hands on his tattered jeans, a content smile on his face. This would _surely_ get Sam's attention, then he would come back for him and think of him- maybe even _talk_ to him more often. God, he really hoped his plan worked. Plus, it was something new to do inside his boring old cell.

Surely if he starved himself long enough Sam would come back. _Right?_

* * *

Dream bit down on the inside of his cheek to silent his cries as another stomach cramp hit him. They had been happening more often now, his stomach acid eating him from the inside out relentlessly, trying to get any sort of nutrients, even if it was his own body.

He really couldn't care less though, it was just a minor inconvenience to bring Sam back. He'd grow numb to it eventually, he always did.

It was uncomfortably silent in his cell, the ticking of his clock never more obviously absent than now. The crackling of the lava didn't do much to fill the silence that continued to grow in Dream's mind, making way for his thoughts to trickle in. He didn't like having to think, his thoughts now his worst fear than anything he had ever been fearful of. He was scared of what his brain would conjure up for him, what kind of _tricks_ it would pull to torture him further into insanity.

Unfortunately, more often than not, his thoughts would yap yap yap in his head when the silence became too much. He couldn't do anything much but just listen to the whispers of cruel words towards himself.

Dream found himself feeling guilty over what he did to the server during the rare times his thoughts would quiet down to a low rumble rather than the usual screams of self-loathing and hatred. He missed his friends and family. He _missed_ the manhunts, and back when they would just play around with mods that George- the thought of his colourblind friend made him stifle a sob- would make for the three of them. He _missed_ messing with his adoptive mother with Punz, hiding behind trees and building and stifling giggles whenever she would turn around after an arrow struck her armour harmlessly. She would always scold them afterwards, but she continued to play along with their childish games.

_He missed everyone_.

Of course, there's nothing much he can do now to fix what he's done. He couldn't say sorry if he didn't regret what he did- otherwise, it would just feel empty and meaningless. And admitting to _not_ regretting what he did is just as good as signing away his freedom for good, no second chances for Dream.

He won't deny he felt genuine _joy_ whenever he brought chaos and dissonance wherever he tread, watching as their nation crumbled to nothing but an empty crater and their relationships fell apart. Especially _Tommy_. He still got a slight kick out of thinking about his time in exile with the young founder. (And he would never tell anyone that he genuinely _enjoyed_ accompanying Tommy for the sake of spending time with someone, especially when he had somehow tricked Tommy _and_ himself into thinking they were best friends.)

Dream honestly didn't know how to fix anything he had broken when he had first started to view people as pawns on a chessboard. He didn't know when he saw L'manburg as his irritating enemy instead of a neighbouring nation- and he didn't know when he had started to care less and less about his own well-being, slowly becoming more self-destructive as the months went by.

Hell, the only thing he had even held onto during those times was his own self-pleasure- to watch everything that they had built up dramatically burn to the ground from his throne above them all the king.

_Checkmate_.

Or at least, it _should've_ been.

Hurt people, hurt people. He supposed that this was what he was destined to become. A villain defeated by the hero, never to appear in another chapter.

Another stomach cramp knocked Dream out of his thoughts, causing him to squirm and cry out in pain. His hunger bar was slowly inching closer and closer to the last saturation bar. The pain flaring more often was enough proof of that. He curled over himself, trying to ease the pain as he let out another sob of pain. It was worse than he remembered.

He squeezed his eyes shut as he awaited his agonising death, gritting his teeth as the pain grew larger and larger, coiling further like a spring ready to burst. It was _so_ painful, he honestly contemplated throwing himself into the lava to end the pain more quickly.

Dream's eyes shot open at the sound of a dispenser clicking, watching as several potatoes fell into his pool. If he just had _one_ potato it would ease the pain- He cried out again as the pain flared more powerfully than it had ever before.

He scrambled to his feet, the room spinning and dizzying him as his last hunger bar slowly began to empty. He stumbled and fell to his knees, but he didn't bother to stand back up, instead _crawling_ to reach the potatoes floating tantalizingly just a mere _foot_ from his fingers. He reached as far as possible as his health bar began to slowly eat away at itself, sending lightning bolts of sizzling hot pain throughout his entire body.

He brought the soggy potato up to his mouth, ignoring the disgusting texture on his tongue. He swallowed without chewing and nearly choked, almost throwing back up what he had barely eaten. He took another large bite, only chewing once or twice before swallowing.

Dream grabbed another potato, and another, and another and another until he had eaten all of them. It did little to fill his hunger bar, but it quelled the pain from returning to eat him from the inside. He sighed as he leaned against the burning obsidian, hissing as the welts on his back dragged along the bumpy surface of the purple mineral.

He gagged as bile erupted forth from his mouth, a disgusting pool of brown sludge spilling onto the purple floor of his cell. He hadn't been expecting that.

He couldn't stop the vomit from coming out. His body apparently didn't register the potatoes as food with how long he had been starving, so his stomach ended up rejecting the sustenance he needed to survive, still trying to eat himself from the inside out.

He stood up on unsteady legs, bending over to let more of the half-digested potato sludge fall onto the floor. He cursed as some of it got on his shoes and pants. He'd smell like vomit for the next week.

He ran at the lava still shivering, nearly tripping multiple times even though his cell was only eight blocks long at _most_. Dream smiled for the first time in _weeks_ as he met the unhospitable heat face first, puke still falling from the corners of his mouth.

God was he disgusting.

_Dream tried to swim in lava._

He gasped as he fell into his pool, his hunger bar fully replenished. The water was _extremely_ heated from the heat gathered and trapped in his cell. It was hot on the verge of _burn_ injuries hot, but not quite enough to really hurt him. When Sam was making his cell, did he ever take note of the lack of ventilation? He probably _did_ notice, he just likely thought that whoever ended up the cell that was now _Dream's_ deserved way worse than uncomfortable temperatures.

He attempted to chuckle at the irony of it all, but his throat refused to cooperate with him. It was most likely from his lack of water consumption. He was severely dehydrated, but he didn't want to drink and drink and _drink_ just to feel the same burning scratchiness in the back of his throat five minutes thereafter. It was pointless- and plus, the water was so hot he'd probably burn his tongue off before being able to swallow a single drop of the liquid.

Sleep quickly tugged on Dream's eyelids, invisible weights tying themselves to his lids.

Starving and burning yourself in lava really takes a lot out of you. He closed his eyes slowly, his breathing becoming even and slow, his inhales deeper than before. It was amazing how quickly he could become relaxed and defenceless- although, the moment he was placed in this cell was when he had truly become defenceless. (A tiny voice in the back of his head might argue that the moment he lost his friends and family was when he had _truly_ become defenceless, but he would never admit _or_ say that.)

He fell asleep to the sound of his own heart thumping away in his chest.

* * *

Dream woke up feeling worse than he did falling asleep. In a way, he felt more tired than he did last night. (Or maybe last morning? Afternoon? He regrets burning the clock now).

He was soaked to the bone and his skin felt tingly and numb at the same time. He should remember to get out of his respawn pool next time. How long had he been asleep? He looked down at his hands and his fingertips were so wrinkly and raisin-like he could estimate that he had been in the water for a few hours now.

Dream stood up, peeling his hoodie off of his body, cringing as the fabric clung to his skin like wet sand underneath his toenails- just a plain _horrible_ feeling and texture. His bare skin felt slightly cooler with nothing covering it, but it didn't help much with the lava quickly heating up the water droplets on his skin. It felt more like a sauna- a _very_ uncomfortable one- rather than a cell.

He stretched out his arms and legs in an attempt to gain the feeling back in them, wincing at the painful, needle-like pulses in his feet as he put more weight on them. He could barely bend his fingers from how stiff they were, and it almost _hurt_ to try. Dream's knees felt just as stiff- he could almost imagine the creaking noise his joints would make as he bent them. He let out a heavy sigh of pleasure as his back let out a satisfying _crack_.

He slid back down against the wall, ignoring the gut-wrenching way the heat and bumps along the obsidian would rub against the scratches and welts on his back. He was sure that many of the partially healed wounds on his back had reopened, but he couldn't bother to respawn again. (It wasn't because he feared the way his wounds were slowly starting to scar instead of healing completely. Dream _wasn't_ terrified that one day he wouldn't respawn, that he was slowly and _agonisingly_ dying.)

He was hopeless. He was stupid for thinking that any of what he was doing would even attract Sam's attention. What made him think the warden would even _care_ in the first place. He was just a delusional idiot who was going insane in this literal _hellhole_. He should just accept he would never be able to see the light of day again, accept that he- _Dream_ \- was going to rot to _death_ inside an obsidian box, forgotten by all.

Geez, he was a shitty villain _and_ a shitty person in general. Nobody's going to remember him- not even retell him as some monster in a bedtime story- he'll just be some forgotten, broken toy in the back of someone's attic. He was going to rot in a cell that would run out of food because of how _forgettable_ he was.

Dream scoffed. Even if someone _did_ remember he existed, why would they even care?

He bit down on his lower lip roughly, attempting to smother his empty sobs. What should he care if they _do_ forget him? It would be better for him, it would mean more opportunities to escape from the mini oven he was trapped in. He'd escape and he'd-

What would he do? If he escaped, what would he be able to do? Create more discord? He was tired of the chaos, it bored him now (and it wasn't because he couldn't handle watching his friends' hurt and betrayed expressions anymore).

The question had never spawned in Dream's head before. What would he do if he ever escaped, was ever let out of his cell. He'd probably run far, far away from the rest of the server. Maybe settle down in some cottage close to a village so he could trade occasionally. He could escape to the Nether, perhaps, and settle down with the Piglins. He still remembered some of the Piglin that Techno had taught him in their spare time before they had attacked L'manburg- and before, when they both were just playful rivals and not planning to destroy a long spent dream of many.

Would Techno still think of him as a friend and ally after learning that he attempted to kill Tommy and Tubbo? A simple pair of best friends that just wanted to live in peace together as _kids_.

Oh. _Oh_.

_God_ , they were just children, and yet he had killed them, threatened them, and manipulated them and traumatized them. How could they live as kids if they were always looking over their shoulders in fear of a man clad in green and a white mask- a simple, yet terrifying smile painted onto the porcelain carelessly. Tommy would live in constant fear of dynamite and small rooms and of crazed men, and Tubbo would forever be scarred physically and emotionally- constantly reminded that he had _failed_ everyone and failed _Wilbur_.

He had ruined two kids' lives for his own entertainment. (It was surprising how he never came to such a realisation before. He was a sick, _disgusting_ monster. He really deserved to be inside the prison).

Dream would deny that he ever cried about _Tommy_ -fucking- _innit_ if he reminded himself afterwards.

He rubbed at his eyes. They felt tingly and insensate, probably because they were swollen from how long he had been crying for.

_Fuck_. Why was he crying like a bitch when he wasn't the one who got their entire childhood ripped from them. He was a fucking asshole. Tommy could cuss at him all he wanted- he was right, either way, he was a bastard to his very core.

Dream fell over on to his side, staring into the lava thoughtlessly. He watched as the lava continuously descended around his cell, mocking him with every crackle and sizzle it released- waving his freedom in his face, reminding him of his lack of allies and horrible deeds. He scowled, turning over to face the wall he had just been leaning against. His eyes scrutinized every groove and notch in the purple surface, noting the occasional speckle of red from his weeping wounds.

If you asked Dream to state how many exact indentations there were in each obsidian block he'd be able to tell you _and_ he would be able to tell you how many more there would develop in the next ten years- that's how long he had been studying the individual walls of his cell. He had even stared up at the ceiling and down at the floor.

He had made a game out of guessing which water droplet of condensation would reach the floor first. He had even tested how long he could hold his breath underwater. It never changed, it just gave him something to do and distract him from the burning guilt in the pit of his stomach. He even let himself drown to half a heart a couple of times- it helped with cooling down the scorching feeling that danced all along his skin. He couldn't drown himself now, his hunger bar wasn't full anymore.

Dream watched as his health bar trembled on two and a half hearts. His entire body ached terribly like he was just one large bruise.

_Click_.

He looked up as more potatoes fell from a tucked-away dispenser above his respawn pool, making a soft splashing noise as the potatoes landed in the water. His entire body throbbed tenderly when he attempted to move towards his only meal for- whatever day it was.

Dream sighed as he quickly gave up on trying to move. His body felt so heavy, as though he was being held down by invisible hands. He closed his eyes- _just briefly_ \- and let his breathing slow to a relaxing pace.

When he opened his eyes again the potatoes that had been floating in his respawn pool had despawned already. He groaned as his stomach cramped slightly. He peeked at his hunger bar, groaning again as he saw that he had three and a half hunger bars left. He wrapped his arms around himself, his blunt nails digging into the flesh of his arms, creating red lines down his biceps.

He curled in on himself, his knees pressed up against his chest.

Dream felt nearly as empty as his hunger bar.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if any of you guys got the reference I stuck in here, marry me now. We can get therapy together <3


End file.
